Ode to Old

I think it says something about old age if you can sport a World's Greatest Grandparents T-Shirt and think you actually are. I think they must, why else would they being wearing it? Maybe it is some sort of competition initiation. If you think your the world's greatest grandparent, buy this shirt, wear it, and when you run into a similarly dressed geriatric, the fun begins. Right out of the gate, they both go for the cheek-pull, it is judged on final distance of the cheek from the face and the longevity of soreness and redness, whining and squirming on the part of the recipient is also duly noted. Next, the elderly contestant attempts to regal us with one of his "back in my day" stories. Points are awarded here for the number of yawns and eye rolls and how quickly the listener remembers he left a cake in the oven or a child down a well. Senior moments are encouraged. If any of the contestants can pull off the difficult maneuver of falling asleep mid-sentence, the victory, is pretty much a given. The final feat of senility is the guilt trip. Here the senior is attempts to convince the listener that they don't visit enough and are entirely ungrateful for the hard work and skillful mastery of raising this family. Tears have become almost mandatory for a competitive edge and anything from threats to bribes have been employed to ensure a swift return. This is always a food time for the grandparent to pull out old skeletons and family secrets, especially hinting at them in front of strangers and in public places. The points are tallied up and the final victor is decided. As a badge for their victory, the loser is stripped of all their world's greatest paraphanelia, this includes key chains, license plates, t-shirts, visors, and fanny packs. These items are awarded to the victor. This and discount coffee with my AARP discount are why I can't wait to get old.