What Do You Think of That?

This is a question for the readers. Do you find you have to disagree w/ almost everything your mind says? You know all them Pentecostal told me, when I pray I need to also listen to God. I don't buy it. God is not the voice in my head, and now I feel a whole lot better. That voice is out to kill me. It makes a whole lot more sense that God be on the outside. It is another pentecostal lie that says that Jesus lives in your heart. The Word is in our heart, which is Christ in a way, in the way of his mindset, not his actual being. Their is no person on the inside you should be listening to. Due to my previous history of drug use, a gate has been opened and not a ot of good things got through. I sincerely believe that drugs open the mind to the spiritual world, but both sides get in. If you don't believe me, go find some truly burnt out hippies. They have some pretty strange ideas and some satranger behavior. Where do you think that influence comes from? I watched a program on the CNN Book Channel or whatever its called. The man that was speaking had just had a book published called "The God Delusion". He blames the idea of God for a lot of things. I watched his program and find myself disappointed. All his arguments were at best trite. I realized that in myself I'm looking for something, some solid argument, so I could be, "Aha God, yeah he showed you." I don't want to believe in God. I don't want to believe this is the Truth. But nothing else even comes close. In this I realized that God is terrible. This was so refreshing! I don't meant the terrible that is more closely related to awful. I mean the terrible that means great w/ a touch of exciting terror and awe. The kind of terrible that is so jealous and wild that He will destroy your life, your world, just to force you to your knees, to force you to His Breast. A big and determined lover that pursues harder than any Jason or Freddy Krueger, and for some reason that makes me happy.

How Bored Must the Readers Be?

See the whole point I was trying to make yesterday was..... oh, nevermind. You win. I will continue to try to place a few words every few days to appease the masses. I attend an adult youth group. Its the best way to describe it. Those who haven't caved yet to the Sunday Morning Christianity can come Tuesday nights to a relaxed informal atmosphere w/ coffee and movie clips. Its filled with mostly twenty-somethings and its jut as common to hear Stevie Wonder as Mercyme, or as I call them Mercyplz, as in please turn them off. So we just started a teaching on how the world views the church, good, bad, and funny. It is pretty eye opening and I feels like this could lead to something deeper. Last week we looked at the dangers of conforming vs. isolating, and tried to figure out how to balance in the middle. This is the exact sort of struggle I'm having right now in my own life. Where is the line? The best I can say right now is it moves, so follow the Spirit and you'll always be on the right side.

Vacancy

Somewhere in the last two months I climbed back in my head. I was out for about two years, I learned alot, but now I need to mull it over, "overanalyze" it, and I might come out again after that. I sit down to think my great prophetic insights and find I have none. Therefore I feel to write anything is to simply waste your time. My life is not exciting enough to write about, I don't pay close enough attention to the outside world to find anything interesting there, and as aforementioned the brain is on drain. I can make you a pretty nice dovetail joint though. I'm really still struggling to define myself in my new enviroment, I find myself drawn to some of my old habits (cigarettes and video games) and still trying to break the grip of others. I also find myself drifting from others, writing. I finding myself with a stronger desire for God and desire to find something to do for Him, otherwise just treading water, and learning about varnish.