Too Much Thinking Leads to Too Much Action

I made it. I just finished the last week of Summer School. Anyone who has finished a semester of college has a feeling of the relief I feel. I'm blaming that black cloud of projects and papers for my recent blog inactivity. I'm also blaming anything having to do with chewing gum. I was one step from inadvertent calamity, right at that precipice of disaster, I realized I couldn't walk and chew gum at the same time. I quickly swallowed the antagonistic wad of cud, and tragedy was avoided. I swear I live with way to much excitement. I was riding the Lancaster Metro, this is a small and inconspicuous form of transport in this burgeoning Amish utopia. Even here, I was quickly drawn into a conspiracy for national takeover. Thanks to my photographic memory, I remember it word and am going to transcribe it for you below. It was between two Hispanic gentlemen, they were speaking in Spanish, and thought I didn't understand.
Afortunado para mi­ hablo espanol!
For the sake of clarity, I will refer to them by the name of Pedro and Jose, though I don't know their actual names, also I will right the conversation in English so you can understand.

Jose: Long live the revolution.
Pedro: Yes, long live the revolution and the Holy Mother.
Jose: We are so close to taking over this pathetic country.
Pedro: I know they are so focused on the middle east, that they don't notice as we get our operatives hired in their homes, in their orchards, and mowing every yard across this feeble country.
Jose: Soon we shall takeover all their jobs and force them to be our mindless slaves. I have already been offered the overseer's position in Missouri, but they have offered that to almost everybody. I'm holding out for something a little more glamorous.
Pedro: I already took a position as a slave driver. I'm going to help rebuild the Aztec pyramids in place of the Washington Monument. I can't put my finger on it, I love the feel of a leather whip between my fingers.
Jose: I understand your sentiments. (looking at me) Look at that stupid white boy, completely oblivious to all that is about to take place. Doesn't he look fat and ugly?
(they both laugh)
Pedro: He certainly is more ugly than most. How foolish these arrogant Americansns are, not taking time to learn our language.
Jose: Yes, they can't speak our language so they have done us the favor of already translating everything over to spanish for us.
This will save us a lot of time in the rebuilding. But alas, this is my stop, for the motherland, brother.
Pedro: Yes, long live the revolution, goodbye

Now Back to Your Regularly Scheduled Programming

Something has got to give. The whole course of my day is run by a clock. This use to irk me to no end, but I got over it. So be to class by 8am, go to lunch between noon and 1pm. I can do that, it provides routine, and as humans we all like our routine. Don't believe me?
"Dear can you talk out the trash?"
What do you get? A sigh, an eye roll, "I guess."
Why such the ordeal? Someone's routine was just interrupted. But the thing I can't seem to come to grips with is TV programming. Almost all of our time obligations land on the whole hour, like I pointed out earlier class, work, doctors' appointments, etc. There is the off chance its an 9:30 or something else, but rare. Anyhow, the transportation from point a to b usually takes around 15 minutes at the very least. So their we have our departure time always at some "quarter till" or "quarter after" ("quarter of" for you PA Dutch). Even if its just a short drive you always try to leave a little earlier. But this causes a problem with my television viewing. I always miss at least half my show. So I have come up with a simple solution. My solution is that network TV moves their shows back fifteen minutes. I really think this would solve a lot of problems. I wouldn't be so crabby when I get to where I am going, because I'd know who stole Ariel and Beau's baby. That's all I want, to know what happened. Is that so much? Is it CBS, ABC, FOX, anyone?

Dark Prophecy of the Future (you have to say it in a creepy voice)

Disclaimer: I apologize beforehand this is not funny, but it is interesting.
In the future, images will seamlessly jump from one media to the next. I saw this in a commercial. It wasn't literal in the commercial, but in the future it will be. Remember the gameboy w/ game cube connection? Now replace the connection wirelessly and fluidly and you get the idea. But that is small stuff, because the media itself is still limited by the screen. The leap media needs to make is to dispose of the screen. So that instead a TV program being a moving picture. A TV program is an actual program, it downloads and adapts to the environment. Dora the explorer and I go on a treasure hunt around my house. I look in a pair of shoes and there is the clue. I touch it and it jumps into the air, unfolding and singing its song. At the half hour slot, its over. The images are carried on my person. They are projected by my clothing or my cell phone. The box that the signal is sent from, the TV is completely aware of the house and all its objects, in much the same sonar or radar is accomplished, so it can customize the episode to fit inside my home. The episode looks for a few parameters. A six inch clearance from the floor to hide the clue. A surface table-esque in nature to set up a puzzle. The parameters can be compromised, the clearance might be a doorway or the table actually the floor if the required objects can't be found. Does this sound to outrageous? Trying telling that to the Orville Brothers.

Where My Fries At?

My dignity is slowly being destroyed by fast food chains. I'll explain. I enjoy alot of the food produced by fast food restaurants, and not only is the food going to send me to an early grave, it is becoming harder and harder to order the items on the menu. What makes them think I want to ask for a Caramel Kazaam Cheesequake? It might actually taste very good, but I'll never know because those words are never coming out of my mouth in mixed company. Maybe this is to boost the morale of the employees. I know they have the short end of the stick almost every minute of every shift they work. They are under paid and under appreciated. So to make up for this, they get to see us make fools out of ourselves just trying to get a burger.
"Um yes, I would like the uh.. the um.. Extreme Sock Blastin' Southwestern Sahara Thickburger w/ ahh, the umm... please don't make me say this, Chocomonster Mudslide Moolatte. The other tactic is to embarrass the customers with word we don't know or in another language. Does anybody remember Chipotle? They even rubbed it in more with a commercial explaining how to pronounce it. So to counteract this embarrassment, I've now taken to finding the most normal item on the menu and then explaining the offending items position relative to it. That's right, they aren't getting their kicks outta me. "I want the third item down from the nine piece McNuggets, yeah the one right next to the Big'n'Tasty."

The Depths of a Woman's Purse

I discovered a remnant of the Old Magic still alive and thriving in our so called technologically advanced day and age. Its been here for a long time but like most people I haven't noticed it till just a few days ago.
I was sitting at a friends when an innocent question arose from my friend Raina, "Can you get something from my purse?"
immediately the hair on the back of my neck began to stand to attention. Rick tried to evade the question, "I don't go through a woman's purse."
Some masculine instinct fears the purse, a small piece of us knows, we are playing with a power that is not ours to control. We are stepping into a realm where we are powerless. The dreaded reply, "Oh, its just right on top."
The only reason that the item is always on top for a woman is because through some power unbeknownst to me, they can draw the required item out of the abyss with startling immediacy. But for the poor male, all the digging in the world will not cause the item to reveal itself. This is a magic foreign to us.
Just as startling and disconcerting is that the moment after we bow in defeat and offer the purse so she might retrieve the item, does it veritably leap out of the purse into her hand.
doesn't it also seem strange that a woman will always have whatever is required for the situation at hand, be it Band-Aids or Kleenex, soldering iron, or hacksaw. An inexplicable amount of bric-a-brac habitats and seems to multiply in a space that defies it actual space in reality.
All these observations have led me to reconsider what I understand and perhaps gained a new found respect for the powers of a woman.

Sharing Musical Interests

My next door dormmates are huge. They were raised on a whole milk and steak. They also seem to have no personality until 10 o'clock at night. I say this because I never hear a peep out of the room next door until the aforementioned time, then for the next five hours, it sounds like a party in full swing. On Wednesday night, they were bumping Eminem at deafening levels. I was of course attempting to get the recommended seven to eight hours of sleep. I say attempting because it isn't possible while listening to Eminem smacking hoes and disrespecting his grandma. I decided that nonviolent confrontation was all this situation needed. It was after 11:30pm. I went to there door and knocked, a bit apprehensive, b/c remember, they're big. No one was there! Arghhh!
Dear Abby, What the heck are these people thinking?
So now I'm tired, which is fine I know how to stay awake in class, but my mind keeps wandering off. I think I need to eat more green olives.
But don't pity me to much, because today I got Luciano Pavarotti performing "La Boheme" and around 4am tomorrow morning, I think I'm going to introduce them.

Caution: Read at Your Own Peril

Somebody put something into my chocolate frosted yellow cake. It isn't a first time. Fortunately this time I noticed it quick enough to counter it with the only remedy I know, Vanilla Ice Cream. I beginning to believe somebody doesn't want this blog to be written. First it was the Anti-Brain Matter Waves, but I quickly learned you could filter those out by eating green olives to counteract it and wearing a household strainer on my head. I think it has something to do with the more political nature of my musings. I know I must being making a very few high end officials a little nervous when I expose the whole Easter bunny cover up. Yeah I know why you allowed the Easter bunny to become Easter's most beloved icon. I've heard all about the dropping interest in eggs and dyes. Oh yes, and I will not be terrorized into telling the truth. So there I said it and I hope they like it, Mr. House of Representatives, Mr. Speaker of the House, Mr. Democratic Minority Leader, there. If I should disappear for a long time, I will my CD's to my little brothers and everything else to Pierre the French circus clown.
Pierre you made me laugh like I never knew I could laugh before and have never laughed since. The time we spent together was funny and I'll never forget it. If you have any glue, mine is old and coming undone, I don't know how much longer I can keep it together. For the rest of you fighting the good fight of truth and honesty in groceries. I'm back to the front

My Life As I Think It

Have you ever had something really smart to say, but when you went to say it all of a sudden you got nothing. I haven't, if I got something to say it usually comes across at least grade school level. But for me, the trouble is finding something to say. I could say, "I went to school to day, ran into Bob Dylan. I couldn't understand a thing he said." But come on that's boring. Inversely, not that this is so much better. I guess I need more interesting things to start happening to me. So I'm trying to say in a subtle sort of way.
When you all gonna send some ninja assassins after me?
Come on, what's a guy gotta do to get himself set up to get knocked down? That is what I call excitement. You come home late at night, walk into your dorm room, and somersault into a defensive roll narrowly missing the blade humming by your head. You jump up and roundhouse kick the guy putting him in a choke hold, "Who do you work for? Who sent you?" But before you can squeeze an answer out, he bites down on a fake tooth and the cyanide inside kills him instantaneously.
I mean come on that's worth blogging about.
Me: What did you do last night?
Normal Bore: Oh, I was playing World of Warcraft, my level thirty ogre found this new...
Me:(interrupting) Silence yourself and your inane babble, your existence is futile and drab, I successfully fought off a ninja assassination attempt, you life next to that is banal.

This way I could keep the excitement going because that same normal bore actually turned out to be a twisted mad geneticist and he made some giant lobster-scorpion hybrid and hid it in my bathroom. I love my life.

Got to Write Something

Its the 3rd of July, Yeah! Second week of school and I still got my head above water. Yes! I've always been a strong starter. Its the finishing part I've always struggled with. How about you? Does anyone know a better way to broaden my audience w/o actually having to make new friends? I suppose I could talk about more relevant and sophisticated subject matter. But come on, aren't we all just a little tired of all that heady nonsense.
"...But there's a call to love my brother
That can never be destroyed however much you talk,
However well you talk you make a certain sense
It's still only stupid talk..." -mewithoutyou "leaf"
I'm on this kick of quoting bands, I'm becoming my mom. She will start humming a song for just about anything you tell her. Its actually kinda fun, you should try it. If you can't do it, you need to listen to more music. Its the only solution. I going to go to California this august, so if you need anything just let me know, so I can pick it up for you. Other then that. I'm serious you need to listen to more music, so get to it... Oh yeah and check out this game. Its called Flow. It can be found at
jenovachen.com
If you get bored, which won't be for a minute, maybe read his thesis or check out his other games.